Perfectionism

As I'm sure many creative people have experienced, getting stuck in one's perfectionism can be sadly crippling.  I have taken several "process art" workshops, all of which were highly beneficial and wonderfully freeing - but the lessons never seem to "stick".  The bogeyman in my head always seems to have something to say about the end product, which sometimes keeps me from even getting started on a project, let alone finishing it.  I know how pleasurable the creative process can be, and most of the time I embrace it fully when I am in the midst of it, but letting go of the end product and just letting it be what it is continues to be a huge stumbling block.

Last year I started this oil painting (my first) at the encouragement of a dear friend of mine who is a very talented artist.  I was really intimidated by the medium (which is vastly different from anything I'm used to) and had a hard time finding the fun in it.  Then I did finally find the fun and got the painting mostly finished - and then the perfectionism set in.  It didn't turn out the way I had pictured it in my head (at all), and I didn't know how to "fix" it, so I let it sit. And sit.  And sit.  And then started telling myself that I really needed to finish it before I could start any other artistic projects, and because I couldn't figure out *how* to finish it, I just denied myself a lot of creativity.   How stupid is that?

Last night I decided that this was NOT going to be a project I wanted to have blocking my creativity for one more minute, so I finished it.  I still don't like the way it turned out, but I am going to let it go and move on to the next thing and hope that I have learned *something* from this.

Perfectionism - go find yourself a brain surgeon to latch onto, and leave me the hell alone!

Obsessions

Obsessions - doesn't everybody have at least one?  Chocolate, reality TV, shoes - pick your poison. Some of them are quite benign (looking at you, SMF, and thinking of all the cooking network shows you have somehow managed to sneak onto my DVR to watch when you visit), but some of them ... well, you know you have latched onto one of those not-so-healthy ones when you find yourself longing for something that you don't really feel you can talk about with anybody else.  And of course, the worst of the WORST is that unrequited passion for something you just can't (or shouldn't, or absolutely must not) have.  The desire that teeters on the precipice of being an addiction, and which takes up time and attention that could be far better spent.  Yeah, that one...

I am trying to make healthier life choices as I grow older and wiser, yet I still find myself occasionally running full tilt into obstacles sitting squarely in the middle of this oh-so-noble life path.  When does it start getting easier to say no??

tempus fugit

I recently had (yet another damn) birthday, which of course prompted a whole host of ponderings about how quickly my meager time here on earth seems to be flying past.  Of course, having my son stride off confidently into the beginning of his second grade year at school (no longer clinging - and in fact, not even looking backwards ONE TIME) only served to pound the point home. 

Is there really such a thing as aging gracefully, with loving acceptance of the inevitable?  The bazillion potions, lotions, creams, exercises, surgeries, injectables and other similar devices available these days to help us cheat time would point to a definite trend toward "NO".  I used to scoff at the ads in women's magazines, thinking that people who fall for that sort of snake oil deserved to have their money go up in a puff of Botox.  Lately, though, I've found myself wondering, wondering, wondering if there possibly IS a way to steal back a little of what nature has so ungraciously taken.  Could I perhaps purchase a couple more years of no crow's feet?  Would the fantastic new "shake weight" (available only on TV!) really help to erase that crazy old lady flap jiggling around under my arms?   Could I have prevented the egregious error of writing "tempest fugit" instead of "tempus fugit" on my latest art journal page if only I had been taking nuclear-strength brain boosting vitamins?

Fantastically unclear about whether to surrender to the inevitable or go out swinging (and seriously peeved that I am old enough to have to ask myself that question). 

An attitude of gratitude

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine posted a movie clip from Joe vs. the Volcano on her Facebook page.  It featured Tom Hanks as Joe, adrift on a raft in the middle of the ocean, watching the moon come up and having a moment of awe and gratitude for his life.  It really got me thinking...  and it inspired the above little altar, which I just listed for sale in my Etsy shop.

It's so easy to get caught up in the day-to-day routine of life, entirely forgetting to stop once in a while and look at the big picture.  It's also easy to take the whole thing for granted. 

So this is me, stopping for a moment and being grateful for both the many blessings in my life and the many challenges (which have, more often than not, led me to an even richer and deeper understanding of myself and my purpose). 

wild thing

I was talking with my BFF today, reminiscing about some of the glorious (mis)adventures we've had over the last 18 or so years.  We are MMMs now - married moms with mortgages - and we just don't roar as often or as loudly as we used to.  In fact, I think we have both been feeling the strain of domestication lately, longing a little wistfully for the days when we could howl with impunity, without a single thought as to who might be waiting up for us, worrying and wondering what we've been up to. 

Yes, there is a season in our lives for everything (turn, turn, turn).  But every once in a while...  it would be delicious to forget about "acting our age" and being fine, upstanding role models for our children - and let those fun-loving, carefree, mischief-making wild things we used to be come out and romp for a while.

shine on

I have things to say about this, but I'm not sure how to frame them so I'm going to just let it go for now.  But ... if you should happen to catch yourself hiding your light under a bushel - please cut it out.  The world needs your unique voice, your "too much"-ness, your "not enough"-ness, your quirky little imperfections and your amazing brilliance.  It's ALL good, so ... twinkle twinkle, little star.

be heard

Inspired by the baby robins who hatched on my porch column earlier this month.  Until the day they were fully fledged, they asked constantly for what they needed.  Loudly.  Insistently.  Vigorously.   Because of this persistence, all four of them survived, thrived, and flew off into the next big thing when their moment came. 

It was an awesome thing to witness, and it taught me a very valuable lesson.

the emperor of oranges

The most delightful thing I have seen on the internet in AGES.

do-overs

As an artist, I am often ... oh let's call it "unsatisfied"... with the way a certain piece ends up.  The above altar, which was created last year as part of a group project for Breast Cancer Awareness Month, was originally done in shades of pink - a color I am not generally fond of (except hot pink, of course!).  Why pink was chosen as the "official" color for breast cancer awareness I will NEVER understand, but... I went with it, and was pretty much unhappy with the results from the get-go.   So this weekend I re-worked the whole thing in shades of gold, silver, copper and bronze, and I like it ever so much better.  It's now in my shop over at Etsy, if you'd like to take a look at some of the other pictures of it.  (Or if you'd like to support a culturally-starving artist... LOL)

Such a wonderful reminder this was - it's NEVER too late for a do-over.  Sometimes it's an easy fix, like this little altar was, and sometimes it's a long, involved process to get to where you want to go (yes, flabby thighs, I am talking about you) - but I'm pretty sure it's always worth the effort.  

ooooh, shiny!

Distractions, distractions.  So many things to keep our minds and hearts busy so we won't have to really dig in and feel what is deep below the surface, where the important soul work awaits.  So hard to tell that inner child (the one who always wants what it wants) to hush now and let the grown up make the wiser, tougher decisions.  Nearly impossible some days to stay focused on the big picture, and not let momentary impulses carry us away.

Whatever piece of the superficial circus has you mesmerized today - I can relate.

dodging a bullet

Wow.  Well, every life has its firsts - this weekend was my first brush with tornadoes.   The fierce storm that was sweeping across the south blew through NC yesterday, and we brushed up against tornadoes twice - once while shopping in Raleigh where we caught the edge of one that wiped out several businesses along highway 264, and again when we got home to find that another tornado had danced around our neighborhood and caused some pretty significant devastation in our community at large.  The house pictured above, which is 2 blocks from my home, had the top of this tree in their front living room.  1 block in the other direction, several other large trees were blown over and power poles were snapped off at the base, knocking out power on our block for about 22 hours.  The area where my husband's office is located was one of the hardest hit (his building is remarkably undamaged with just a couple of broken windows).  We totally feel like we dodged a bullet on several occasions this weekend, and our hearts go out to the people in our town who have had homes blown apart, businesses completely destroyed and lives up-ended.  I have not heard of anyone being seriously hurt here, for which I am eternally grateful.

Just goes to show you how quickly things can change in a life.  Yesterday afternoon we were having fun at my son's elementary school fundraiser and shopping for gadgets at REI, and in a heartbeat things sort of went sideways.  Fortunately we were untouched, but 3 minutes or one block one way or another and it could have been a very different story.  A poignant reminder to take NOTHING for granted - and to stop procrastinating on the things that are most important.

being astonished

So today, I am being astonished, and now I am telling about it.

Today is my nephew Michael's 18th birthday.  18!  I'm pretty sure it was just a couple of years ago that he was perfectly at home hanging out on the upstairs deck butt naked and sucking on a pacifier while peeing over the side just to see what would happen (and MM, if you are reading this I know you are mortified, but you can thank me later that I did NOT post my photographic evidence of this).   Just about every person I know greeted the news of this milestone birthday of his with some version of  "OMG, how did time slip away that fast???"  I can only imagine what his mama is feeling today - undoubtedly her own version of astonishment, perhaps mixed with some panic, relief, and thankfulness that the wonderful human being she brought into the world has reached this new and exciting jumping-off point.

It's almost inconceivable to me that Michael should be an adult now.  This means that not only have I experienced MY childhood in its entirety, but now I have walked alongside someone else's childhood from beginning to end, and it boggles the mind.  Especially since some days (many, many more than I care to admit, actually) *I* still feel like a fledgling...  Why, just today I had a moment or two of feeling 16 again, and most days I don't feel a day over 30!  (emotionally, anyway).  

Oh, our darling days are numbered - and today I am feeling that more than I ever have before...

little mama

This lovely little robin has made a comfy home for herself on top of one of my front porch pillars (way up high, where the resident four-legged feline serial killers can't get to her).  Ray and I (and the dogs) had lunch out on the porch this afternoon, and she kept a VERY watchful eye on the noisy intruders.  I honestly hate to butt in on her tranquil little haven, but now that the weather is nice we will probably be spending a lot of time out on the front porch - I hope she decides to stick around, in spite of the undesirable element populating her 'hood.

yes

With apologies to Kaylin Haught, whose marvelous poem I twisted and twirled to suit my particular situation.

How many times in your life have you put the brakes on a particular passion, interest or adventure, waiting for someone to give you permission to move forward?  Waiting for a "yes" from someone - anyone - because you didn't feel like you were enough of an authority in your own life to grant yourself what you needed and wanted?  I have lost count of those sorts of things in my own life.

These days, I am digging deep to find the God that dwells within me, as me.  And she is, more and more, telling me - yes.

a helping hand

From as far back as I can remember, I have been one of those people who just can't bring themselves to ask for help with anything.  One of my mother's favorite sayings was "life is a do-it-yourself job!", and somehow that got planted into my psyche as "thou shalt not ask for anything - just go get/do/be it on your own or do without".  So, yeah.   Luckily for me, it is possible to teach an old dog new tricks - and life has a way of throwing life lessons at us until we finally 'get' the important stuff.

I am not 100% there yet, but once in a great while I do actually realize that I am not (gasp!) omnipotent, and that occasionally I DO need a helping hand.  It's still nearly impossible for me to just *ask* for help - I tend to hang about sighing and grumbling and acting out pathetically, hoping that someone will notice my plight and *offer* help - is that not the most ridiculous thing you have ever heard coming from a 50-year-old??

When I grow up (which I hope will be soon, very soon), I want to be the kind of person who does not feel ashamed, embarrassed or unworthy when coming up against something I need help with.

angels and demons

I created this journal entry about three weeks ago, but it didn't seem quite finished so I just let it sit for a while.  Sometimes it's hard for me to let go and not "force" my artwork in a particular direction - I mean, the whole purpose of art journaling (for me) is to play and experiment, sometimes fail, and be ok with whatever happens. (I'm sure I'm completely deluding myself in thinking that I will ever get to a point where I will be completely ok with that "whatever happens" part...).

good intentions

When I first started this blog, it was my firm intention to post something every day - preferably with a picture of something I had created that day.  I really LOVE making art, and I really do have the luxury (most days) of time to do *something* creative, and yet... ugh.  UGH!!!   Well, this could become the self-flagellation blog wherein I beat myself up publicly for all my many failures, but I'm not gonna go there (today, anyway!).

I did work on some backgrounds for my art journal this weekend, and I had some fun painting a flowerpot to donate for the school's upcoming springfest auction (except that I forgot to take a picture of it before I took it to school this morning).  Here's a picture of a smaller version of the same design that I painted a couple of years ago to give as Easter gifts:

I also made about four dozen hand-dipped white mint chocolate covered Oreo cookies for my husband to send overseas to his "adopted" soldier, which I'm hoping will be a welcome relief from MREs...   :-)   If you are interested in providing support and a little love from home to the men and women of the armed forces who are away from family and friends, check out www.soldiersangels.org for more information.

Feel free to share your own experiences with procrastination and good intentions - misery loves company!

happy birthday, fuzzbutts!

My furry babies are three years old today.  Dog biscuits all around!!!

what's new in the studio

As a present to myself back in March, I ordered some really fun and funky rubber stamps from the FABULOUS collection by mixed-media artist Teesha Moore (www.teeshaslandofodd.com).   I absolutely *love* her artistic aesthetic, and couldn't wait to use them in making my own polymer clay mosaics.  Well, it took about a month to get cracking, but I finally got a couple of little altars put together and got them listed in my Etsy shop today:

The second one features a quote from my all-time favorite poet, Mary Oliver - an appropriate celebration of Poetry Month, no?    And the stamps were great to use with polymer clay - they make very clear, detailed impressions.  If you are a mixed-media artist, or if whimsical stamps just happen to float your boat, be sure to go visit Teesha's site.

boo frikken hoo

I was going to write an entire novel on the motivation for this journal page, but it would sort of defeat the whole message - the world really doesn't need any more of that sound.   (click on picture to get a bigger view).   Love me some Mary Oliver - her poems really reach right into your guts and stir things around, don't they?

In other news, dressing myself up like a paper doll in my art journal is kind of fun.  I just take a snapshot with my digital camera of whatever my mood is at the moment, then print out the pic, cut off my head and stick it on fabulous outfits that I could never in a million years fit into or afford.  Living the dream through collage, yeah baby!!

you've come a long way, baby

Seven years ago.  Wow.  (Actually, you were 2 weeks old in this picture, and already well on your way to becoming the unique and quirky individual you were destined to be.)  

The magnitude of my mamalove for you cannot be measured by any known methodologies, little man.  Happy birthday, sweet pea.

square peg, round hole

Last week was a tough one for my little Mini Me.  As a child with Asperger's Syndrome, he lives in a very different world from the one most of us inhabit - he's my little square peg, and these days the school system is the teeny little narrow round hole that he's just not fitting into.  Of course I am his fiercest advocate, constantly reminding his teacher that this magnificent little soul was not made to be stuffed into a little box all neatly wrapped up by rules and regulations - but I don't have to live with the daily challenge of existing in a world where not much makes sense to me.  I can only imagine what it is like to be told hundreds of times a day that you are "wrong", just by being who you are, and I can only hope that the strength of his family's love and our unconditional acceptance of him just as he is will in some small way help to mitigate the emotional damage that will invariably be done.  Sometimes I just want to tuck him in my pocket and keep him safe from humanity's ignorance and cruelty, but I understand deep down that he has to learn to make his own way in a world that will not flex much to accommodate his uniqueness.  He is an absolutely brilliant little boy, and of course that will serve him well - but still...  it can be a cold, cruel world, and sometimes I feel like a pretty meager blanket.

From my art journal, on a day when I was feeling particularly pissed off by his teacher's lack of compassion and understanding:

an attitude of gratitude

On this date seven years ago, I was admitted to the hospital to await the impending birth of my mid-life miracle baby.  At fortythreeandahalf ("advanced maternal age", they called it oh so politely), I was a little baffled by how I had arrived at this particular crossroads - but I was determined to face all of the unknowns with as much grace as I could muster.  It was an interesting 23 hours, this process of giving birth to my own personal miracle - and when he finally made his appearance and they laid him across my chest, I was absolutely flabbergasted by the sheer perfection of what I had somehow created.

Seven years later, I am still astonished - and grateful.

(the above photo is a recent page from my art journal)

old dog, new tricks

Given the embarrassing ease of setting up one's own blog page, I was beginning to feel like a real Luddite for avoiding the inevitable for such a long time.  But I'm here now, finally ready to share little tidbits from my journey and forge ahead bravely in spite of the (loud) little voices in my head that insist I lead such a mundane life that nobody could possibly be interested in anything I have to write... LOL

Well, for better or worse, here I am.  Welcome to my world, world.